At this moment I have 26 word documents with the start of ‘somethings’. Musings, stories, novels (what?), dreams… All of which trail off…
I sit down with my cup of coffee and begin mainlining caffeine in hopes that hidden in my swirly brown liquid is the inspiration, and fuel to keep me going.
Sentence one down, BOOM, it’s awesome. Okay, now for number two… alright, loosing speed… Damn… I think I need to check Facebook to see if it’s caught on fire… And… it’s gone.
If you take a look at my google search history this morning, you will find ‘How to write’, ‘Why do I suck at writing?’, ‘Writers Block’, ‘Why writers need day jobs’, ‘How to stop procrastinating’, ‘Web MD: my brain is melting’, ‘Why am I not Samuel L. Jackson?’. However, none of these search terms have generated an increased word count on any part of Microsoft Word. The expectant cursor still pulsates, burning its rhythmic judgment into my retinas.
I find so many inspirations in my day-to-day life on what to write about. I frickin’ live in a camper and have a “Life of ADVENTURE” for crying out loud!! But why can’t I manage to put them to paper? How do I grab ahold of my spoken word, the bursts of magnificent content and wrangle it into a word doc?
It’s crazy how, when trapped in a mindfuck, you feel like there is no light at the end of this god-forsaken tunnel. We are continuously told that our life is for conquering. We must finish, well, everything (especially your vegetables). Only then will you succeed, and by association, find happiness. What the fuck? You mean I’m supposed to have everything figured out, then my life will have meaning? If I know exactly what I want, THEN I am succeeding at life and everything will be gravy?
(Queue another Web MD search for “brain melting”)
No, I am so fucking over that bullshit.
I know that I want cookies, I know that I want to cuddle, and I know that I want comfortable shoes and I know that I might not want all of those things ALL of the time. So, what do I really want?… I hope to be lucky enough to spend the rest of my life trying on as many ‘What Do I Want’ hats as I damn well please, and I WANT to enjoy it. I want to be okay with not knowing what I want. I’m alive, I’d say that’s a pretty good start eh? I hope to continuously be reminded that ‘Life’ is not a ‘means to an end’. For fucks sake, it’s a journey and I need to stop being so damn scared of it. I can’t keep supporting this myth that only after you figure out ‘what you want’, then you are winning. I need to spend some time enjoying the swirly goodness of the unknown, outside of my coffee cup.
I admire the Confucius quote; “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life”
Written September 2nd, 2014